2Sept2009 - Day 27

Driving on base today to get Taylor, I got to looking around at everyone in the traffic line to leave base. I like people watching, and on base; totally awesome. There's a little bit of everybody there. When we first got here, I spent so much time looking for people like us. There really wasn't a lot of people that are like us. But, it taught me to appreciate the differences in people. Still, as I look around even now I am sometimes struck by how different we all are; yet how much we really have in common. 15,000 soldiers from 3 brigades are now deployed. So, are all these people I'm seeing spouses? Are they feeling the same as me? We have so little in common on the surface; but so much in common underneath. They, too, wait. They, too, are struggling to find their way alone. Struggling to give meaning to all the lonely, monotonous days. They, too, are trying to raise children alone. Trying to explain to the very young who daddy is. Trying to comfort the older ones who know who daddy is and miss him so badly. They, too, cope with the tremendous sacrafice and hardships that our military life is so full of. In a sense, we can all share each others' pain; but also each others' pride. I feel proud that we are a strong family that is so determined to overcome this major obstacle in our lives. I feel proud of my husband's service. I feel, also, guilty. Trying to make each day amazing and meaningful, and fun is daunting enough. But, knowing that he is there and it is so dirty, and dangerous, and extraordinarily empty makes it really hard not to feel guilt. He is there living in a place where drinkable water inside the building is a luxury and I am taking a cruise to Alaska. How can I find a way for my guilt and my enjoyment of life to coexist? Or should I feel guilty? I don't know the answers to any of that; but as a mother (even for the short year that I've been one) I feel as though guilt is something I should have a merit badge in, anyway. All I can do is to remember a few things. One thing is that I should have fun and make every day great. Not only for my sanity's sake, but also for Taylor's childhood's sake. She deserves that. If I focus on doing things that are great for her, and not just for me then perhaps some of the guilt that I feel will subside. Also, I can support him in the best way I can from 10,000 miles away. I can send him what he needs, and answer when he calls- even if I'm in bed. I can indulge him when he comes home, even if it's just a back rub (which he loves) before bed. He deserves it. Even if I don't do it every night for the rest of our lives, I can do it sometimes. And I'll to remind myself to do it happily, and cheerfully despite fatigue from the day. Because, he's giving up so much while we are here in our verrandah cruise suites.