Wednesday, July 21, 2010

21July2010

What inspires you? It's probably not some one thing. At least for me, it's quite fluid. Sometimes, I am inspired by things around me. Other times, by the need for release of emotions. And lastly, by unhappiness. I truly believe, or at least I always preach, that if you aren't happy with your life, you have to change it. But I can't help but feel, for the better part of my life, that I am my own worst enemy to happiness. I can't help but feeling, as I look around, that I am better than my life. I don't mean my relationships, or my family. I mean my personal success. I mean that I am not living upto my potential. I've wanted to write for as long as I can remember. I've always written, except in times of....we'll say recreational interferement. (i.e. my early 20s)
I think about my job, as a bartender. I love what I do; but I feel sometimes that when people are there that they definitely see just that part of me. I feel looked down upon. I have a great time at work. I make over $30 an hour to get people drunk, feed them, talk to them and generally have a good time. But, something always nags at me.
"Something is not right with me...." (Cold War Kids)
There is more underneath, and I feel like if I don't pursue what I truly feel; that I will be miserable. I will make everyone around me miserable with my own self-dissatisfaction. So what stops me?
Why don't I write? Why don't I try to be published?
I think it comes down to a very basic fear of failure and inferiority complex.
But, damnit. I'm almost thirty. Get over it already! Perhaps, if I keep telling myself that, it will sink in. I am always torn between embracing my inner and true weirdness and on the flip side worrying about what other people think. Usually, the latter wins. That, so far, has left me truly unhappy.
I don't live a bad life, in fact, there's really not much that most people would be unhappy about.
But. I. Am. Unhappy. So, that must mean that I am not most people.

And it's never too late to be me. In fact, I'd better try before I find myself counting wrinkles and pills and wondering when it became too late.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

20July2010 ~ Pt2

Feeling odd today. So this morning I was totally not looking forward to my first day back at work. When I arrived, it took me a few minutes to get my bearings. I couldn't remember what to do first. I finally got back into a rhythmn and was able to open and chat with Alicia about how the rest of her Vegas trip was while I was setting up. Before we opened, the manager asked me to ring in three to-go orders. He didn't usually do that, but I did. One was to be picked up at 1045, before we opened and before the togo person arrived. So I took care of that one. It was for a food delivery company. They just sign for it and there's never a tip. For the second order, the gentleman was early and left me a $20 tip. I was very pleasantly surprised. After that, I decided to keep the order that was arriving at 1115 instead of transfering it to the incoming togo person. That gentleman also tipped me $20. So, basically before we opened, I made $40. Then I collected my tips from my last shift that I'd left early from and it was $30. (It was super slow and I left three hours early.) So I was off to a good start on my first day back.
I kept all of this in the back of my mind as I watched the restaurant fill up, and the bar stay empty. I ran food for the other servers, sat tables for the hostesses...tried to keep busy. I hate just standing there and Caitlin had done such an awesome job prepping for me the day before, so there was very little to do. It was nearly 1pm before I got my first guest, but then I did get a pretty good round of guests at the bar.
Even when I wasn't busy, and there was no one at the bar, I felt calm. I felt like being away from work had "wussah-ed" me. My chi was in order, or whatever. My inner spirit was at peace. LOL
I usually get highly irritated when it's slow for me and I'm just standing there while everyone else is busy. I usually forget that I will eventually get guests, and that I will likely make more than the other servers who leave after being there for two hours. I always forget the big picture. I definitely need to work on my patience. But, today was different.
Today, I was the yoda of patience and calm. Today, I didn't care about the gossip. Today, I didn't care about all the nonsense that you always get swept up in at work.
And it was great. I had one of those days that reminded me why I like bartending. I had lots of separate individual guests and a few that brought companions; but it seemed as though they all came together by the end of their meals. Several of the single guests were chatting with each other, and I joined the conversation with them here and there when I could. It was generally fun, and pleasant and friendly today. Some days, it seems as though everyone is grumbly. Not today. And it was almost as though some of them, when sitting down, were actively looking for conversation. Sometimes you can almost feel them leaning towards you, beckoning with their eyes for you to converse with them and join them for lunch.
It never ceases to amaze me how people are able to send so much information out to each other without ever saying a word. From the moment someone sits at my bar, I can tell what type of experience they want. There are a few exceptions, like the person having a rotten day who is able to be disarmed and maybe even cheered up a little. Or the super-grumpy-when-hungry person who warms up considerably once they've eaten.
After work, I left and had an amazing first timer experience at Trader Joe's grocery store. Firstly, the drive there, on the back roads and not through highway traffic was gorgeous. Secondly, the store is amazing. Organic this, all natural that, fresh delicious bulk foods and produce. They were even cooking and serving pulled pork carnitas or something in the back that I sampled. The pork was delicious...though nowhere near as wonderful as the pulled pork and collard greens that I had on the 4th of July at Sabrina's neighbor's house. (they were so good that I snuck a plate for later back to the Delmos house to eat the next day).
I went to Joe's because I was looking for creme fraiche and cotija cheese for a bobby flay recipe that I wanted to try. Shockingly, (and by shockingly I mean completely not shockingly) the commissary had neither of these ingredients. Neither did Safeway. Joe's was great. They had a ton of things I'd love to try, and a meat department that would make a grill guy's wet grill dreams come true. I will definitely return, if for no other reason than to see what they are cooking in the back!
Upon returning home, my stress kicked in and I became uber bitch. I had no patience, and Adam needed to check something in the garage, I needed to make dinner (and it's always tough when you have to read the recipe as you go), Taylor was in full on crankston hughes mode, and it was a little overwhelming. Not to mention, Sabrina was coming. Oh, and the dog had been dining on her favorite delicacy, cat shit, outside the bathroom and I stepped on a forgotten morsel in bare feet.
I give it to Adam for dealing with my wrath with mostly grace, and vacuuming and mopping where the cat treat indulgence had taken place. He kept his cool, for the most part, as I lost my top. Finally, closer to dinner, I calmed a bit.
During dinner, I was trying to fill Sabrina in on our trip to Las Vegas, and Miss Punky Pants Taylor was definitely making it a challenge. Between the shrill pay-attention-to-me noise, the using of fingers to dip in ketchup and throwing of a fit because she wanted that big dirl cup, I must have repeated every sentence three times.
My patience almost non-existent, we cleaned up from dinner and Sabrina and I and the three monsters (I mean dogs) were off for our walk. Daddy braved the overtired toddler bath and bedtime chores in order to allow us to walk.
The dogs were also in rare form, pulling on the leash with no abandon or apology, crossing the leashes, tangling each other, lunging towards every bird, every dog, every person, every leaf. They were awful. And usually, by about mile two, they've calmed. Nope. Not this time. It was as though it was their first walk and they needed to see and do every single thing with urgency. They also, which was really weird, each pooped like three times. We had no bags and at one point, Sadie let loose in a very well manicured lawn. I took a sales flyer from a nearby house, and scooped it up and carried it half a mile to a trash receptacle. It was truly nauseating.
I guess today would classify as a sort of mixed bag day. I really think it's all in how you choose to feel. At work, because of the surprising great start, I felt at ease and more inclined to enjoy my day. At home, because of the unsurprising stressful dinner time hour, I felt like, well, sort of a tyrannical mess.
I'm glad that part is over, and sad that it wasn't enjoyable for Adam or Taylor. I am pretty sure that I wasn't the best company. I apologized though, and as I'd promised to do, returned home from my walk in a much better mood....to a husband sound asleep on the couch. =)

20July2010

And....I'm back!
After quite a long hiatus, I have returned! I have recently been feeling like something has been missing; like I've been more stressed than usual. I realized that my outlet for relief was the blog for quite awhile, and it wasn't being utilized. So, here I am.
Whether anyone reads or not, I've always enjoyed journaling and writing. So, I should keep doing it.
I feel like it's been so long since I've blogged, and so much has happened. Let's see. I only have about a half hour before I have to leave for my first day back to work after Las Vegas. (ugh. work. yay! money!)
Big events: After my last blog, we decided to plan a trip to Las Vegas. Big Drama, of which I will definitely get into at a later time. Sabrina and I went to Portland (not sure if that was blogged) after Adam left from leave. I decided I was enormous when I saw a picture of myself, so I made a personal decision to change it. (I've since lost 14 pounds; but I'm pretty sure I've gained a couple back from Las Vegas). April brought a lot of social events...the beer dinner, which was fun as always. It was IPAs, though, of which I'm not a big fan. Ah, and the now infamous Mariners game. Definitely much more to come about that. Dad and Susan came to visit, and we went to Vancouver and Victoria. Taylor was sick the whole time, and so it was pretty awful. Details to come for sure, because the ferry ride from Victoria to Port Angeles was quite....memorable. A week and a half after they left, Dana, Lori and Jeremy came to visit. Definitely a blast! Taylor just loved her Aunt Rori! I have pictures to go with all the stories of their visit! Taylor attended her first (that she was older than 4 months at) birthday party for a boy from her daycare and also her first baby shower. Adam came home June 9th. Of course, all the adjustment period from that is blogworthy. He had lots of time off for he and T to fall in love all over again. Most recently, we went to Las Vegas for four days while Mom and Memeir watched Taylor. Vegas definitely deserves attention here, and so does the instantaneous and uber strong bond that Taylor and her Gamma have. We had her birthday party, and I made way too much food; but we definitely had a great time.
What's next? Well, perhaps soon to come....details about Adam's orders for recruiter school, our trip with the Delmos and Ortizes to a cabin near Leavenworth, Taylor's month in a different daycare home while Darina is on leave (which reminds me that I need to update on her month at the daycare center and the atrocious home she was going to go to), my attempt to get us to Silverwood Theme Park before the end of summer, and Daddy and Aunt Sabrina's birthdays. What a busy summer we'll have!
Well, I'll start from March tonight when I have more time to spare.
Tata, for now.