10March2011

I am thirty years old. I never graduated from college with a degree; I don't make six figures; I am not a "key player" in any particularly influential social scenes...There is a lot I haven't accomplished.
I wonder, sometimes, what have I done with my thirty years? The high school; school system, that I graduated from; probably closer to 100% than 50% of them went to college- and finished. Most of them are successful professionals; and an astounding number of them don't have children.
My grandmother had four childen by the time she was 21. What was I doing at 21? Poor, Memeir; what was she doing at 21? Sounds like a nightmare to me! But, then, it was normal. Her husband, the most amazing man I've ever known, my Pepeir, didn't let her work. What does that mean? How does one be parented by a spouse? In my 21st century marriage, there is nothing I wouldn't be allowed to do. It's truly amazing how things have changed; and also puzzling. I make certain sacrafices in my life for my family. I work the hours in my industry known for being the slowest (I do well, though; because I really do like my job), I feel almost like, because of this Army lifestyle that our real dreams are on hold.
Three years, and two months from now; we will be done. We will have provided sacrafices to our country that so few can even begin to understand. Who will thank us? And how awful is it that I feel entitled to even ask? I've been married for 7 years on May 7, 2011. My husband has been gone for, literally, half of that time. We've fallen in love, and out, so many times. We've raised a child, together, and separately, so many times. We've dealt with the horrific and awful repercussions of the horrific and awful things my husband has seen, together. And separately.
The other day, Adam called, and I was so angry because a friend's husband had gone out of his way to make her feel special the last night he was in town. This was something we've gone through so many times, and each time it's always about him; it's get this done and get that done and stress and stress and then....he's gone. And then I am alone, and caring for our house (or in this case, trying to rent/sell it), caring for our pets, our child, working, paying our bills... we'd even fought about how I really just needed to feel like the sacrafices and hard work I was putting in was appreciated. I was so angry, and jealous. Then it hit me. We've spent our whole lives, and half of our marriage worrying only about ourselves. It's tough to form a lifetime bond with someone; when sometimes you don't even know them because you haven't seen them in a year; and don't trust them because you don't know them...add in a child, and it's even more confusing.
So, I think about these things. And I think about all of my dreams, and aspirations, and desires. I think about how most of the people I grew up with, will never know this sacrafice. They will never fully understand what it means for a family that served in the military. They will never be able to feel the loss, or the worry, or the uncertainty of it.
Why we chose this life, well, it seemed simple enough at the time. We chose it for the promise of a better one in the future. But, the military, like the restaurant industry, is tough to leave. How do you walk away for a certain paycheck, with some skills; limited they may be, for something completely unknown? How do you look guaranteed money in the face and say no, for something that may never happen? I'm not sure; but we have to find a way; because when we get to Raleigh I have that opportunity. Do I go back to the industry that has supported me my whole life, with little growth; or do I go out into the unknown??? Do I actually do what I've always wanted to do and start my own business?
We spend our whole lives talking ourselves out of what we really want, what our desires tell us to do, telling ourselves how to quiet our true feelings...so now, how do I wake them up again? How do I get past the fear of failure? More importantly, How do I get past the fear of financial failure??
I have a good feeling about Raleigh; something feels right. I feel like I've fought to get here. I feel like we've earned a good pass. Now, to sell it to myself...While Adam works trying to sell people on this life we're trying to leave, I will try to sell myself on a way to get out of it. :A good life. Is that something you might be interested in?" Is this irony? LOL It sure feels like it.

North Carolina

Wow. July 21. Has it really been that long???? Bad blogger, bad!!! Honestly, it's been a crazy and busy and tumultuous time since Adam has returned home. I'm sure I will delve into the nasty little details, the very small and oh, so big reasons why it was one of the most difficult times of our marriage...but not for now. We've grown past...a good bit of those things, worked them out, fought them out, talked them out, or let some of them ride- for later discussion. (It's an art- Letting things go. One I've yet to master.)
I'm here because, well, Susan asked if I had been lately. I hadn't and I should be here. I am stressed. Writing has always helped. So, I am back. I should be back on a regular basis. Honestly, I love to write. (Insert tantrum over not having orange juice to mix with lemonade. Wow. Having a two year old is...fun! (Insert sarcasm.)(Now insert guilt for saying that.))
Adam is currently in recruiting school and I am here, home with Taylor in Washington, attempting to battle daily life with a two year old, and simultaneously trying to sell/rent our house within the next three months. I would be lying if I said life was simple. It's especially unnerving to me, who plans every single thing to the last detail. I also enjoy being in control. In this current situation, I have neither control or the ability to plan. We don't exactly know where we are going; all we know so far is that we have to be there by May 16. And there, well that could be anywhere in the eastern 2/3 of North Carolina that there is a US Army recruiting station. Inside, and on occasion on the outside, I am screaming! I mean, full on tantrum growling screaming. Then, a few tears. Here is my problem. We owe more on our house than it's worth. A lot more. At least, a lot more than we have in savings. And we have to choose to short sale or rent and pay the difference each month of rent to HOA/property management fees.
In my whole life, I have struggled to make my own decisions. I have prided myself on being independent, on knowing what to do, on making the right decisions. For some reason, I have let the impending possible, not even certain, but possible consequences weigh so heavily on me that I can't even trust myself to make the right decision.
Well, I quit. I quit being frustrated, and stressed out, and worried. I will do what I can to make things happen, and that is all I can do. But, I can't sit and do nothing. If no one is looking at the house, then I have to actively pursue a renter. And I need to let go of the loyalty I feel toward my realtor, and concentrate on what is best for my family. I think she is great, and I think she will do her best to sell our house and I think she understands our needs; but I know we have extraordinary circumstances and time constraints and we can't place all of our eggs in her house selling basket.
I think that, this weekend, I have hit rock bottom in my wallowing and self-pity and I am done. I am better than sitting around, obsessively worrying and isolating myself from my friends. Susan said to me, "Taylor needs you to be strong. Adam needs you to be strong." For some reason, it resonated. I've been feeling awfully sad and saying to myself, "What about me? Who takes care of me?" and expecting the decision to be made for me and the magic real estate fairy to come and take away my problems. The bottom line is that they do need me, and it's not about what I need. I am alright. I am strong enough to do this.
Suddenly, I am saying to myself, where the fuck have you been? Who is this blubbering, energy-less mess you've been perpetrating as the usually strong, fierce woman we know and love???
Why did I have to hear from someone else that I was strong? Why did I doubt it? Why was I so scared? I feel as though, I need a slap. I feel as though, Susan gently delivered it. She said, "stand up, and be yourself." Well, thank you Susan.
You are right, and I will! I will do my best to be a strong mother and wife for my family, because they need me to be. They need me to not fall apart, to not give up because this is hard. And I will not give up. I will see this through to the end. And hopefully, at the end of this frustrating process, there is an idyllic renter. Or buyer. Or, honestly, someone who pays their rent on time; or who buys our house on time.