I am thirty years old. I never graduated from college with a degree; I don't make six figures; I am not a "key player" in any particularly influential social scenes...There is a lot I haven't accomplished.
I wonder, sometimes, what have I done with my thirty years? The high school; school system, that I graduated from; probably closer to 100% than 50% of them went to college- and finished. Most of them are successful professionals; and an astounding number of them don't have children.
My grandmother had four childen by the time she was 21. What was I doing at 21? Poor, Memeir; what was she doing at 21? Sounds like a nightmare to me! But, then, it was normal. Her husband, the most amazing man I've ever known, my Pepeir, didn't let her work. What does that mean? How does one be parented by a spouse? In my 21st century marriage, there is nothing I wouldn't be allowed to do. It's truly amazing how things have changed; and also puzzling. I make certain sacrafices in my life for my family. I work the hours in my industry known for being the slowest (I do well, though; because I really do like my job), I feel almost like, because of this Army lifestyle that our real dreams are on hold.
Three years, and two months from now; we will be done. We will have provided sacrafices to our country that so few can even begin to understand. Who will thank us? And how awful is it that I feel entitled to even ask? I've been married for 7 years on May 7, 2011. My husband has been gone for, literally, half of that time. We've fallen in love, and out, so many times. We've raised a child, together, and separately, so many times. We've dealt with the horrific and awful repercussions of the horrific and awful things my husband has seen, together. And separately.
The other day, Adam called, and I was so angry because a friend's husband had gone out of his way to make her feel special the last night he was in town. This was something we've gone through so many times, and each time it's always about him; it's get this done and get that done and stress and stress and then....he's gone. And then I am alone, and caring for our house (or in this case, trying to rent/sell it), caring for our pets, our child, working, paying our bills... we'd even fought about how I really just needed to feel like the sacrafices and hard work I was putting in was appreciated. I was so angry, and jealous. Then it hit me. We've spent our whole lives, and half of our marriage worrying only about ourselves. It's tough to form a lifetime bond with someone; when sometimes you don't even know them because you haven't seen them in a year; and don't trust them because you don't know them...add in a child, and it's even more confusing.
So, I think about these things. And I think about all of my dreams, and aspirations, and desires. I think about how most of the people I grew up with, will never know this sacrafice. They will never fully understand what it means for a family that served in the military. They will never be able to feel the loss, or the worry, or the uncertainty of it.
Why we chose this life, well, it seemed simple enough at the time. We chose it for the promise of a better one in the future. But, the military, like the restaurant industry, is tough to leave. How do you walk away for a certain paycheck, with some skills; limited they may be, for something completely unknown? How do you look guaranteed money in the face and say no, for something that may never happen? I'm not sure; but we have to find a way; because when we get to Raleigh I have that opportunity. Do I go back to the industry that has supported me my whole life, with little growth; or do I go out into the unknown??? Do I actually do what I've always wanted to do and start my own business?
We spend our whole lives talking ourselves out of what we really want, what our desires tell us to do, telling ourselves how to quiet our true feelings...so now, how do I wake them up again? How do I get past the fear of failure? More importantly, How do I get past the fear of financial failure??
I have a good feeling about Raleigh; something feels right. I feel like I've fought to get here. I feel like we've earned a good pass. Now, to sell it to myself...While Adam works trying to sell people on this life we're trying to leave, I will try to sell myself on a way to get out of it. :A good life. Is that something you might be interested in?" Is this irony? LOL It sure feels like it.
