Microcosm of each day: I sit down to start this blog, which I've been thinking about ALL day and have to stop to take the dog out because she's whining at me. Too bad for the cat, too. He just got cozy on the desk next to me...
Yesterday you left. I tried to make the beginning of the day feel like any other day. As if giving it some sort of special treatment, some extra attention or shared affection between us would tear me down just enough to leave me raw and weak and penetrable for the rest of the day. I tried to be strong. You asked why I hadn't talked about it at all. I feel like there's nothing else to say. I'm not angry with you for leaving, because you had no choice. I'm not scared of growing apart, because we've been here before. And we didn't grow away. We made a wubba and grew closer.
Grew different, older, more mature and responsible together. No longer are we young kids madly in love, making love all over the house with wreckless abandon. Drinking till we have to drive with one eye closed on the way home, and sleeping 3 hours then going to work the next day no longer seem enticing. We sneak together into her room when we go to bed, running to catch up with the other one...just to watch her sleep.
I think that is what I'll miss the most- the love that fills our home just from us loving on and watching her and each other with her. Cuddling in bed talking about the things she did today. Every day is brand new, precious, completely unique. I've decided that even every day without you should also be precious, unique and treasured. But, I don't want you to miss them. So I'll write to you. Maybe it will help me to cope with being alone at night. Maybe it will help me to deal with the quiet. When you are here, my head is loud. There are thoughts of what I need to get done, dinner to be cooked, plans to be made. When you leave, there is only me. (After 8pm anyway.)
I cleaned up all of your stuff laying around the house. I washed all your clothes. I don't want to erase you, but if I smell you, see your keys, your ten packs of tic tacs all over the dresser....it'll hurt. I feel like putting you away neatly in the house is like putting you away neatly in my heart and head to be safe and easy until you return. It isn't working so far, but I'll keep trying. And then when you come home and can't find anything, you'll know why I've moved it all to a bizarre spot in the house and won't be mad because I don't know where it is either.
I have to remind myself that part of being strong is learning how to let myself cry and miss you. And that it's ok if I do it a lot. Every day, or night, or both. I didn't want to cry too much while you were leaving because I didn't want to make it harder for you to leave. I knew it would be impossible to leave the wubba. I definitely get that. It's hard not to scoop her up when I go to bed and put her next to me in our bed. Maybe when it gets cold; she's a hot body like you. She can keep me warm. =)
She was dirtier than she's ever been in her whole life today when I picked her up from Darina's. The bottom of her socks even had food on them, and so much dirt you'd think she had walked through the mud all day. She ate sweet and sour chicken at Darina's. When I dropped her off she kept saying "hi baby!" and "baby" to the Darina's brother-in-law's wubba. It was adorable. She just loves her.
Tomorrow, Rylee and the Wubba and I are doing a Seattle Cupcake Crawl. I heard the idea on Movin' 92.5 on their 5 under $25 spot this morning. (where they tell you 5 things to do this weekend under $25). It's really an organized thing, but we are just doing our own thing. Cupcake eating at 7 places from 10:30 to 6pm is a little much for the Wubba. I've determined that every weekend we will do SOMETHING. We won't sit and waste away. It's part of my attempt to make this year remarkable. Maybe it will make a good book. Maybe it will be therapeutic.
Simba is freaking out. He's run outside twice or three times tonight. The rest of the night he has spent jumping up and trying to open the front door. Damn that lack of opposable thumbs. If only....and then freedom!
Sadie is. Her usual. No issues, and surprisingly not needy. She seems a little depressed without you here though. Very quiet, laying around the house. Eating a lot though. Weird.
On the front step, there was a brown paper bag with a flyer on it about a food drive this morning! Awesome timing! All I had to do was set all the non-perishable food out on the front step by 9am tomorrow (which I've done already; hope there's no raccoons!) and they'll come take the food.
Sabrina is still sick with her death plague. She's even staying home from work tomorrow. I invited them to the cupcake crawl; but alas, too sick. I'm supposed to get Delmo a carrot cake one and Sabrina "something fruity". How's that for vague? (Sidenote: Simba is in my lap, and leaving permanent scars on my knee from kneading it so hard!!! His purring is like a leg massage. I had to put a folded up apron on my knee because it hurts so bad! Of course, as soon as I do that he jumps off!) Monday is Simba's vet appointment, so I'll take him and then woman and I are having lunch. I'll take Taylor to Darina's for awhile though.
I feel less anxious. I feel like I got some of it out. This is therapeutic.
I love you. Goodnight for now.
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