When it's really quiet in the house, and Taylor is asleep, and the monitor sensitivity is turned all the way up, I love it. I can hear her breathing. Full, deep, peaceful, totally asleep breaths. It brings me such piece of mind. I don't know if it's that she's totally asleep and safe. I don't know if it's that she is able to sleep so soundly, like how children do. Like how they sometimes just fall asleep in the living room on the floor, or can be carried around totally asleep. I don't know if it's thinking of all the little tiggers and puppies and playgrounds that I imagine her dreaming of.
The monotony of the every day is starting to wear on me. Nevermind, that this week I'm particularly sensitive. When Taylor goes to bed, there's nothing worthwhile. I do laundry, clean up a bit, watch tv, surf the internet, write my blog...but it's generally the same. There's nothing left to look at online. The shows just remind me that I'd rather not be sitting there watching them. I'm not a busy body, or extremely high energy. But I like to be busy. I liked having Adam here to talk to, joke with, even just to watch tv with. I remember thinking just before Adam left that I was excited about time alone. Now, it's become a sort of cloud hanging over my head and raining on me all day. It follows me around, and it's inescapable. Even when I am with friends, with Taylor, I know it will end and then it will be thursday night at 10:30pm and I'll be dog tired, with a headache from clenching my jaw together all day, and my cuticles will be so torn from chewing on them that they'll sting as I type. Just enough to remind me that they're not how they should be. Not enough to really hurt. More of an annoyance. But I can't let go and go to sleep. It's no relief anyway, lately. I wake up with stomach muscles feeling like I've been doing situps all night, legs like I've been running. I'm not sleeping well because I'm in knots, I'm in bigger knots because I'm not sleeping well. And then, it's 10:30pm on thursday night, and it's been another week. Nothing has happened. Nothing is different. I just sit wondering where my extraordinary has gone. I vowed to find a way every day, and today was extraordinary. But, I just can't see it anymore.
I'm almost obsessive in my thinking about the cruise. It's like, as long as I have that to look forward to, I will be ok. But, today was not extraordinary. I keep counting the ordinary days until my extraordinary cruise. I keep forgetting that today is the day I was waiting for. Today is the day I want to remember. Today was an extraordinary day! Today, I will remember that perfect breathing. That perfect breathing is truly extraordinary.
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