And so, as I picked up a sleeping Wubba Mayter last night from Darina's I noticed that the pink eye had returned to rear it's ugly puss in full force in both eyes. Sigh. So tired of the pink eye. Spent today in the house, attempting to keep her hands out of her eyes, the ointment in her eyes, and her hands washed whenever I saw the hands in the eyes.
One super cute thing did happen tonight, though. We were in full-on chill out mode on the sofa (or at least I was) and she was busy playing around. She walked over to the wall in front of the couch when she glimpsed it. It followed her everywhere she went, it moved when she did, it was super scary and made her run away to the couch and climb into my lap and refuse to return to the wall. It was her shadow. For awhile, before the fear set in, during the discovery phase, she was enamored with it; playing and moving her limbs. It was really cute to watch. But, she'd decided that she didn't like being followed and copied, I suppose.
I'm tired of not being able to talk with Adam regularly. It's getting ridiculous. The last few times we have talked, we've bickered. Sometimes, I wonder what goes on in his head. He says he doesn't need Chantix to quit, but that he could borrow some of someone else's. Why take someone else's prescription medication? I don't even want to continue on my exasperation. I don't have the time or emotional energy to try to explain to a grown man why this is wrong. In the perpetual mental state of stress that I'm in, I really don't have any patience, either. If he wants to do that, it's his business and his decision. I just don't think it's a good one. How do you explain to a child that it's ok to take some medicine that isn't yours, but not others? You don't. And I fully believe that in order to instill certain values and integrity in her, I have to live those things. I think that perhaps, given the situation he is in, and lack of contact with her, he doesn't think of those things. I understand this, though. But, perhaps, he should try to look at things from that perspective.
Every day, I am asking myself what kind of mother I want to be. Every little decision I make determines that in little tiny ways. Do I pick up more shifts to make money for christmas presents, but spend less time with her? Do I do the dishes right away before watching television? Do I eat my vegetables? Do I keep my word when I tell someone I'll do something, no matter what it is? Do I treat other people with respect, even those that test my patience? Do I talk with my mouth full? Everything I do is under scrutiny, by myself. I'm not dissatisfied with who I am as a mother, because of this fact. I know there are some things I definitely need to work on, ehem, vegetables. But, sometimes I wonder if fathers have this self-examination mechanism built in that mothers do. I'm sure they do, but about different things. Big picture things, maybe. I don't know if Adam does. I don't know if he thinks of these things, at all. I wish I did. I wish we talked more, so I could ask him. I think this is definitely tough, will be tough on us. Are these the types of negotiations we'll have to learn to make as parents that parent together once he's home again? Will his values coincide with mine? What if, like with cleaning, my standards (or his) are higher than the other person's? Whose, then, would we hold her accountable to? I guess we'd both have to discuss it. I know there are some things that I am unwilling to compromise on. Should I? Should I compromise a value I want her to have, or an ethic, or a standard I want her to uphold because his are not the same? What does all of this really mean for her? How will all of this affect her? Will she be ok?
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