Lately, I've been feeling this new feeling. It's quite jarring, and comes about me so quickly that I sometimes have to catch my breath. I'll hear a song that I really like, particularly the Paramore song that was in Twilight, and I'll remember the book and movie and get really sad. It's like, suddenly I am aware that I am no longer young. Suddenly, I realize that chapter in my life is totally over and, while I love my life, I am really sad. I'm not really cool anymore, not wild anymore...I'm someone's mom. Even if I wanted to be cool, I'm still (and this hurts) old. I have spent so much time waiting to be a full fledged adult, and longing to be treated with respect as one, and not just some dumb teenager or young kid...and now. Wow. Suddenly, I wish to go back. I wish to shirk all responsibility and just be.
Alas, stress rears its ugly head in the form of nostalgia for the times when stress was...what party to go to after work.
I've been trying to have a quiet, stress free christmas. But it isn't. For some reason, I just can't get all my shopping done and it's really annoying that it's never ending. I love Taylor, but taking her christmas shopping is the most frustrating thing ever. I want to run around, here and there, in and out, quickly selecting things. Not so much with her. There are diapers to be changed, she eats a lot more than me, walks very slow, in and out of the car lugging the diaper bag, and finding a cart, and trying to maneuver a cart through crowded stores. When she's not with me, I'm usually with Sabrina, which slows me down because we get talking and walking and eating lunch.
Nothing about my time since coming home has been in any way organized or efficient. I try to maintain order, deal with the clutter. I am just so tired of doing it all by myself. I find myself up until at least midnight every single night and the same three baskets of laundry still sit in the living room. They're half folded because Taylor literally undoes everything I do. If I put it away, she pulls it out and then proceeds to scatter it throughout the entire house. If I fold it, she unfolds it and throws it on the floor. If I put the dog food in the bowl on the floor, she scatters it all over the floor. I spend my entire day running around behind her scolding and teaching and cleaning up. Otherwise, she is attached to my leg crying and whining to be picked up or throwing herself on the floor in frustration at "no more cookies." It seems as though she has suddenly become a negative, tantrum throwing, reaching and grabbing, climbing, angry, irritating toddler. I don't know when or why it happened, but it surely did.
We are going to Marzano's for dinner on Wednesday, and I am actually paying Darina to watch her for a few more hours so I can enjoy a dinner without her. I don't enjoy eating out with her. If she sits down, she must eat immediately, and when she is done...we better be done.
Saturday, Rylee and I went to cheesecake factory for lunch. We were sat in one of those tables that's half booth, half chairs. They are close together, and offer little privacy or protection from bread throwing toddlers. Thank goodness the couple next to us was understanding. The part that mortified me was when they received their slices of cheesecake covered in whipped cream. Taylor took her spoon and reached towards it saying "peese?" "peese?" I cringed and apologized to the man while pulling her back in and trying to explain that it wasn't her cheesecake. He took his spoon and gave her some whipped cream. She was thrilled, and I wanted to just melt into my chair and disappear. Then, loving it, she said "more?" "more?" I could have cried. Despite all efforts to explain that hers was coming and to leave him alone, I did not prevail. He gave her a few spoonfuls, thinking she was adorable. I just found it totally innappropriate and mortifying. I know my father would have lost it. I can see the look in his eyes now.
I was also kind of annoyed that he gave in to her, because I want to teach her that other people's food is not for her; but I was totally unsure of what to say in the situation. Next time, I will (falsely) explain that she is lactose intolerant or allergic to whatever it is they have.
I also think that not writing my blog regularly has contributed to my stress. I need the outlet. It makes me feel a lot better to write about everything, especially my single mommy frustrations. I have to give my hats off to those mothers that do this for years on end. I can't imagine what I would do if it was just me...gulp...for-e-ver (see the Sandlot for proper pronunciation of forever).
Tomorrow, I am off, and Darina is not. I will shop and finish my last minute things, eat honey baked ham sandwiches for lunch, and enjoy my toddler free time. I love you Taylor, and can't wait to miss you tomorrow!
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