So I avoided posting yesterday, because I knew it would be super negative and frustrated. This weekend has...been a challenge...This weekend has given me several opportunities to hone my patience...This weekend, I failed to do so in more cases than not. Poor Taylor. She hasn't really done anything other than be a curious, active, inquisitive toddler; but let me tell you!
Today, for example; as I am trying to make parmesan crusted chicken for dinner, she reaches up onto the counter and pulls the bowl of beaten egg down and spills the entire thing on the floor. I lost it. Needless to say, she sat for a few minutes in time out with a drop of egg on her face (lol for more reasons than one) while I cleaned it up. I yelled louder than I ever have, and scared her half to death the poor thing. It must have been comical and sad all at once -me yelling and screaming, trying to tell her why I am yelling and screaming - and her crying and running away because I am scary. I really was like, yelling the explanation of her time out; which I ususally say in an even toned voice, so I'm sure it had no effect. And here I am going, "do you understand? do you understand what I'm telling you?" Of course she doesn't.
I wasn't proud. I was ashamed and regretful. But, what if it was something really hot? She would have burned herself badly. Hopefully, I've scared the curiosity about the kitchen counter out of her. But, unfortunately, I don't want to scare her. I want to teach her. I think I am just on edge about Adam coming home. I want the house to be right, and everything to be ready. I want to be prepared and think of everything he might need or want. I am totally obsessing and stressing out. Tomorrow, after I visit Brazil for a painful, agonizing hour or so....I will stop stressing. I will be excited, and ready and happy and having a wonderful day with my beautiful, curious, willful, wonderful toddler.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
29Jan2010
2010. Sounds like some sort of sci-fi movie. Weird. What else is weird? That I am almost thirty and truly feel like I am getting close to being totally comfy in my own skin, but am not quite there. I've been thinking a lot about what makes me me. Who am I? What am I like to others? How do I treat other people? How do they perceive me? How do I want to be perceived? The answers to these questions have definitely evolved over the last ten years. Ten years ago, I didn't (pardon the crudeness, but it's probably the actual words that left my mouth then) give a fuck. I think I wanted to be a little bit on the outside. I wanted to be just a little different from everyone else. I was better, somehow. I had it made. I knew all the answers.
Everyone is now laughing and shaking their heads. Why? Because we all know now. I didn't (and none of us did) know a damn thing about a damn thing. I feel as though "me" is a constantly evolving and changing thing. I feel like "me" is something that will never cease to be a work in progress. "me" will always want to right my wrongs. "me" is currently working to learn what those really are. As in my recent blog, I've suddenly realized how obsessive I can be about things. It doesn't end with short lived hobbies, either. If something goes wrong, I obsess about it until I have figured out whatever truth I want to figure out. If the answer is not the answer I want, I work and think and manipulate until I can get it to be what I want, until I have righted whatever perceived wrong or injustice I see.
Writing this now, I almost feel like I shouldn't post it. Am I giving away secrets? Am I being too up front and honest? Will I be...shudder...vulnerable now? Who knows. I know it sounds worse than it is. I don't want to manipulate to hurt others. But, perhaps, the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. Perhaps, admitting my own vulnerability - being honest with me and everyone - about who I am will help me to grow into who I want to be.
Everyone is now laughing and shaking their heads. Why? Because we all know now. I didn't (and none of us did) know a damn thing about a damn thing. I feel as though "me" is a constantly evolving and changing thing. I feel like "me" is something that will never cease to be a work in progress. "me" will always want to right my wrongs. "me" is currently working to learn what those really are. As in my recent blog, I've suddenly realized how obsessive I can be about things. It doesn't end with short lived hobbies, either. If something goes wrong, I obsess about it until I have figured out whatever truth I want to figure out. If the answer is not the answer I want, I work and think and manipulate until I can get it to be what I want, until I have righted whatever perceived wrong or injustice I see.
Writing this now, I almost feel like I shouldn't post it. Am I giving away secrets? Am I being too up front and honest? Will I be...shudder...vulnerable now? Who knows. I know it sounds worse than it is. I don't want to manipulate to hurt others. But, perhaps, the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. Perhaps, admitting my own vulnerability - being honest with me and everyone - about who I am will help me to grow into who I want to be.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
28Jan2010
Ah, rainy grey paradise washington. Actually, when you least expect it Washington catches you and holds you captive by its beauty. I was taking taylor out of the car, and as we whipped around to search (in vain) for the moon, I saw this beautiful grey mist shrouding these giant strong looking evergreens. It was gorgeous. In an appreciation-for-grey-misty-weather kind of way. But, goreous nonetheless.
So I've been reading up on facebook statuses of people I "used" to know. It occurs to me, some of them are pretty cool now. Some of their statuses catch me off guard on a regular basis and I find myself wishing I had gotten to know people better back in the day. I've always been a horrible keeper-in-toucher; not sure why, but I am. I'd like to be better at it, and thank goodness technology allows me this without any actual contact. lol. I can email, text, facebook message, blog. When the time difference takes its toll on communication, I am thankful for the technology allowing me to keep in touch...sort of. It seems totally impersonal, but also exciting because of the newness of it. Weird.
I've also decided that I am obsessive. I need something to obsess about constantly. Right now, it's finding the right purse. I think I've narrowed it down to a few, but I am literally looking daily. Online, in stores, at everyone else's bag. You'd think I was buying a house. I'm not even planning on spending more than $100. LOL. OBSESSIVE. Various previous obsessions come to mind. Scrapbooking, baking (still enjoy that, but my waistline does now), the Sopranos, my hair, matching Taylor's socks and bib to her outfits, SimCity....I'm sure I could go on. But, if I think really hard...it goes way back! I had an obsession with the color blue during senior week in Ocean City that involved nails, bracelets, my polo sport messenger bag (lol). Ok, now I may be taking it a little too far; but that previous revelation just prompted me to search for "ralph lauren bag" on google. I found the blue one I used to have on ebay. Plus, I found a really great weekender bag for cheap, which brings to mind another ongoing obsession...Ralph Lauren. Argh. Well, I guess I could be worse. I could be buying things. I could be obsessed with cleaning and freak out when someone messes up the lines I've vacuumed into the carpet.
So I've been reading up on facebook statuses of people I "used" to know. It occurs to me, some of them are pretty cool now. Some of their statuses catch me off guard on a regular basis and I find myself wishing I had gotten to know people better back in the day. I've always been a horrible keeper-in-toucher; not sure why, but I am. I'd like to be better at it, and thank goodness technology allows me this without any actual contact. lol. I can email, text, facebook message, blog. When the time difference takes its toll on communication, I am thankful for the technology allowing me to keep in touch...sort of. It seems totally impersonal, but also exciting because of the newness of it. Weird.
I've also decided that I am obsessive. I need something to obsess about constantly. Right now, it's finding the right purse. I think I've narrowed it down to a few, but I am literally looking daily. Online, in stores, at everyone else's bag. You'd think I was buying a house. I'm not even planning on spending more than $100. LOL. OBSESSIVE. Various previous obsessions come to mind. Scrapbooking, baking (still enjoy that, but my waistline does now), the Sopranos, my hair, matching Taylor's socks and bib to her outfits, SimCity....I'm sure I could go on. But, if I think really hard...it goes way back! I had an obsession with the color blue during senior week in Ocean City that involved nails, bracelets, my polo sport messenger bag (lol). Ok, now I may be taking it a little too far; but that previous revelation just prompted me to search for "ralph lauren bag" on google. I found the blue one I used to have on ebay. Plus, I found a really great weekender bag for cheap, which brings to mind another ongoing obsession...Ralph Lauren. Argh. Well, I guess I could be worse. I could be buying things. I could be obsessed with cleaning and freak out when someone messes up the lines I've vacuumed into the carpet.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
27Jan2010
Ok, ok so I've lost track of the number of days. But, something inside me is shouting "SO WHAT! HE COMES HOME IN....DAYS!" Something inside me is excited. Something inside me told myself to schedule a brazillian bikini wax. WTF was something inside me thinking??? I've never had one, and I am terrified. But, I am also hoping that the results are worth the excruciating agony of hairs being ripped from my most sensitive regions. And by results, well... I may not be talking about the smoothness of my skin.
I apologize for the TMI to begin with, but honestly; I feel like it's something that is really at the forefront of my mind and therefore, my blog. Also at the forefront of my mind is how ridiculously bipolar I was feeling at work today. I find myself reacting quickly, angrily, unneccesarily. Probably a biproduct of self-induced forced endless patience every other second of the day. I mean, when your toddler is insistent on being held while you cook dinner, then eats your spaghetti and not theirs while simultaneously eating yogurt (which, of course, both inevitably become spag-gurt or yo-ghetti); you tend to just have to sigh and let it go. Sometimes, though, all those sighs get bottled up and get let go somewhere else, somewhere they don't belong. I didn't lose it on anyone in particular; but I found my patience tested and I acheived... an epic fail. Patience has, lately, not been a virtue that I have had while at work. And, I am fully aware, this is not something that can continue.
Alas, tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity to be patient. Tomorrow is an opportunity to be a better me. And I think I will take tomorrow up on that offer.
I apologize for the TMI to begin with, but honestly; I feel like it's something that is really at the forefront of my mind and therefore, my blog. Also at the forefront of my mind is how ridiculously bipolar I was feeling at work today. I find myself reacting quickly, angrily, unneccesarily. Probably a biproduct of self-induced forced endless patience every other second of the day. I mean, when your toddler is insistent on being held while you cook dinner, then eats your spaghetti and not theirs while simultaneously eating yogurt (which, of course, both inevitably become spag-gurt or yo-ghetti); you tend to just have to sigh and let it go. Sometimes, though, all those sighs get bottled up and get let go somewhere else, somewhere they don't belong. I didn't lose it on anyone in particular; but I found my patience tested and I acheived... an epic fail. Patience has, lately, not been a virtue that I have had while at work. And, I am fully aware, this is not something that can continue.
Alas, tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity to be patient. Tomorrow is an opportunity to be a better me. And I think I will take tomorrow up on that offer.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
26Jan2010
So Adam has gotten his leave dates, and they are.....so soon! I'm really excited and also really nervous. I feel like I have really put a lot of effort into building myself up and being self-sufficient and independent and it's been tough. So I'm scared that I will go off the deep end of neediness or worse, need nothing. I'm sure it won't be so bad, but I know having him leave again will be. Especially when he meets Taylor all over again. She's totally different than when he left. She can communicate just about everything that she needs or wants, verbally or by also pointing and attempting to verbalize.
She cracks me up because she likes to sing...like her mommy I might add. She sings the clean-up song, but only gets "everybody" out; which totally sounds like apeebobee. It's hilarious and so cute. She sings itsy bitsy spider, but only "out come sun". She is obsessed with the moon and looks for it constantly. Today, she had miso soup for the first time and loved it. She was even attempting, somewhat successfully (if like 1cc of soup per spoonful is successful) to feed herself the broth. She wasn't a fan of the tofu bits in the soup, but who is really?
Something that did shock me...she had no clue that I dyed my hair. She had a total non-reaction. Nothing. I expected tears, screaming and running away scared. Nope. She had no clue. I still get surprised by the mirror, but she carried on as though nothing had changed. I guess that's better, but still I was almost like "hey!" like she should have noticed. lol
She's also recently found her j-eye-na (as we call it) and insists on grabbing it and pulling on it every time I change her diaper. But she's so rough, as though it's itchy. It makes me nervous like she's going to hurt it! She points to it and says "hot". The humor just reaches so many different levels on that, that I don't even know which joke to use.
She cracks me up because she likes to sing...like her mommy I might add. She sings the clean-up song, but only gets "everybody" out; which totally sounds like apeebobee. It's hilarious and so cute. She sings itsy bitsy spider, but only "out come sun". She is obsessed with the moon and looks for it constantly. Today, she had miso soup for the first time and loved it. She was even attempting, somewhat successfully (if like 1cc of soup per spoonful is successful) to feed herself the broth. She wasn't a fan of the tofu bits in the soup, but who is really?
Something that did shock me...she had no clue that I dyed my hair. She had a total non-reaction. Nothing. I expected tears, screaming and running away scared. Nope. She had no clue. I still get surprised by the mirror, but she carried on as though nothing had changed. I guess that's better, but still I was almost like "hey!" like she should have noticed. lol
She's also recently found her j-eye-na (as we call it) and insists on grabbing it and pulling on it every time I change her diaper. But she's so rough, as though it's itchy. It makes me nervous like she's going to hurt it! She points to it and says "hot". The humor just reaches so many different levels on that, that I don't even know which joke to use.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
14Jan2010
So, after Susan told me that she was reading and catching up on my blog, I thought I'd better keep it up. I stopped because of the holiday craziness and also because I didn't really think anyone was reading it.
After putting Taylor to bed tonight, I went looking through my pictures in order to find a specific one of me that I liked my hair in (to show the stylist). Wow, what a long strange trip it truly has been. I found a "scrapbook" of pictures that included sections entitled "gratuitous alcohol shots" "hfstival 1999" "rob's keg party august 14, 1999" wow. It was amazing to look back on where I've been, who I've been with, and how skinny Sabrina really was. Damn, woman. She looks better now, though.
Anyway, for the first time tonight, too, the nostalgia didn't fill me with feelings of wishing I could be young again. I thought, wow, what idiots we all were. Running in and around, through each other's lives with wreckless abandon and little thought about each other at all. I found pictures of myself with people I don't remember the names of, people I don't want to remember the names of, and people that I truly wonder what they are upto now.
Well, if I'm to make any more new memories to be embarrassed of, I'd better get on with things. Goodnight, all.
After putting Taylor to bed tonight, I went looking through my pictures in order to find a specific one of me that I liked my hair in (to show the stylist). Wow, what a long strange trip it truly has been. I found a "scrapbook" of pictures that included sections entitled "gratuitous alcohol shots" "hfstival 1999" "rob's keg party august 14, 1999" wow. It was amazing to look back on where I've been, who I've been with, and how skinny Sabrina really was. Damn, woman. She looks better now, though.
Anyway, for the first time tonight, too, the nostalgia didn't fill me with feelings of wishing I could be young again. I thought, wow, what idiots we all were. Running in and around, through each other's lives with wreckless abandon and little thought about each other at all. I found pictures of myself with people I don't remember the names of, people I don't want to remember the names of, and people that I truly wonder what they are upto now.
Well, if I'm to make any more new memories to be embarrassed of, I'd better get on with things. Goodnight, all.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
3Jan2010 - Day 149
The first post of the new year...ahhh. Finally, the holidays are over. I loved the idea of them as they approached, loathed them as I baked and wrapped and shopped until all hours of the night (depriving myself of some much needed sleep), and look back on them with...wait, no. No nostalgia yet. But I will say, I put all the boxes in the recycling bin tonight and I have to thank everyone who took the time to send packages to us. There were a ton of boxes. It was as though we'd just moved in. It means a lot to have a family that really puts so much thought and effort into helping us to have a great christmas.
Today, I feel like I am getting better. I relaxed with Taylor throughout the morning, and showered while she was napping (like a good little efficient mommy) and then off we went to Costco (which sounds uncannily like asshole when she says it), then the commissary, then back to Safeway to get the ingredients we were missing. Somehow, I still am without fresh mint and garbanzo flour (whatever the hell that is) for my recipes for this week's dinners. I am back on track with household organization, for the most part and have mapped out (and of course, already deviated from) the meals for the next two weeks. I'm devising systems that work, and just have to learn to make myself stick to them. I like knowing what I need to do for dinner. I stress out and end up making crap for dinner all the time, or bringing something home from work (so bad for me!) if I don't have a plan. I somehow managed to get almost all of the laundry done, all the recycling and trash out to the curb, and am currently enjoying a cocktail while watching Iron Chef America. This week all of my programs come back on, and I'm really looking forward to actually having something to watch. We totally took it easy this weekend, and it was great.
My next goal is to find out where all the great local meat and produce is (without having to go downtown to Seattle to the market) and then buy there. I know that Tacoma and Olympia have farmers' markets. The produce at the commissary is really quite lacking. For Adam's trip home, I'd like to do some really special meals.
I'm feeling great about settling back into our routine, although, I am sure that I will be worn out and ready for vacation by the end of the week. I'll keep you posted.
Today, I feel like I am getting better. I relaxed with Taylor throughout the morning, and showered while she was napping (like a good little efficient mommy) and then off we went to Costco (which sounds uncannily like asshole when she says it), then the commissary, then back to Safeway to get the ingredients we were missing. Somehow, I still am without fresh mint and garbanzo flour (whatever the hell that is) for my recipes for this week's dinners. I am back on track with household organization, for the most part and have mapped out (and of course, already deviated from) the meals for the next two weeks. I'm devising systems that work, and just have to learn to make myself stick to them. I like knowing what I need to do for dinner. I stress out and end up making crap for dinner all the time, or bringing something home from work (so bad for me!) if I don't have a plan. I somehow managed to get almost all of the laundry done, all the recycling and trash out to the curb, and am currently enjoying a cocktail while watching Iron Chef America. This week all of my programs come back on, and I'm really looking forward to actually having something to watch. We totally took it easy this weekend, and it was great.
My next goal is to find out where all the great local meat and produce is (without having to go downtown to Seattle to the market) and then buy there. I know that Tacoma and Olympia have farmers' markets. The produce at the commissary is really quite lacking. For Adam's trip home, I'd like to do some really special meals.
I'm feeling great about settling back into our routine, although, I am sure that I will be worn out and ready for vacation by the end of the week. I'll keep you posted.
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