29Jan2010

2010. Sounds like some sort of sci-fi movie. Weird. What else is weird? That I am almost thirty and truly feel like I am getting close to being totally comfy in my own skin, but am not quite there. I've been thinking a lot about what makes me me. Who am I? What am I like to others? How do I treat other people? How do they perceive me? How do I want to be perceived? The answers to these questions have definitely evolved over the last ten years. Ten years ago, I didn't (pardon the crudeness, but it's probably the actual words that left my mouth then) give a fuck. I think I wanted to be a little bit on the outside. I wanted to be just a little different from everyone else. I was better, somehow. I had it made. I knew all the answers.
Everyone is now laughing and shaking their heads. Why? Because we all know now. I didn't (and none of us did) know a damn thing about a damn thing. I feel as though "me" is a constantly evolving and changing thing. I feel like "me" is something that will never cease to be a work in progress. "me" will always want to right my wrongs. "me" is currently working to learn what those really are. As in my recent blog, I've suddenly realized how obsessive I can be about things. It doesn't end with short lived hobbies, either. If something goes wrong, I obsess about it until I have figured out whatever truth I want to figure out. If the answer is not the answer I want, I work and think and manipulate until I can get it to be what I want, until I have righted whatever perceived wrong or injustice I see.
Writing this now, I almost feel like I shouldn't post it. Am I giving away secrets? Am I being too up front and honest? Will I be...shudder...vulnerable now? Who knows. I know it sounds worse than it is. I don't want to manipulate to hurt others. But, perhaps, the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. Perhaps, admitting my own vulnerability - being honest with me and everyone - about who I am will help me to grow into who I want to be.