3Feb2010

After a few days, mostly full of what can most accurately be described as painful. So Monday, I got my first bikini wax. But, of course, I couldn't get jus a regular bikini wax. I had to go and get a brazillian bikini wax. So I talked about it with a lot of my girlfriends beforehand, just to sort of work up the nerve. Well, Monday came and the moment was upon me. I sat in the parking lot, a half hour early (oops) talking to Memeir on the phone. I told her what I was about to do and she said "Well, I don't want to ask how it was, but if you want to tell me..." LOL. I know she is morbidly curious like everyone else. Honestly, I was morbidly curious. I could have just took a little off of the sides like most normal people would do for their first wax. But, alas, I opted for going....all....the....way!!!!!!
I went in and waited for the woman who was to sadistically rip all the hair out of the most tender region of my body for the next hour, and was so nervous I was in a cold sweat (which was probably not good, considering what I was about to have done) and couldn't stop my one leg from dancing up and down despite it's stationary position under the other leg. Finally, she arrived and ushered me to the room. It was a really nice salon, with a full service spa; so I wasn't surprised by the dimish lighting and enya-esque music playing as we entered the room that was almost identical to their massage rooms (save for the extraordinarily messy crock pots of molten wax on the counter).
On top of the "massage" table (how ironic) was a hand towel and one of those portable clean-your-gyna wipes in a packet. She instructed me to get nakie and drape the (tiny) towel over my nether regions. After she left, I did as she said and not sure if I should cleanse before or after, I held onto the packet and awaited her return.
She never said anything about the cleansing packet that I had clenched in my hand, but she moved the towel aside and told me to bring my right leg up so my foot rested on the inside of my left knee. Like I had a lil captain in me. lol
I did, awkwardly and nervously. And to be totally frank, the part that made me the most nervous was that I am usually pretty...anyway, too much detail. But women probably know what I mean. I am sure she's not new at this. So she gets started and we are chatting about nothings. The first strip was in the crook of my leg and bikini area. It hurt, but not too bad. The next one was where it really counted, where, if she stopped; I'd be missing a patch. That one hurt. She said most people thought that the top area hurt more than the lower, more delicate area. I was shocked, thinking it was the other way around. Well, it did hurt; for about 20 seconds it was agony. The most painful part was the anticipation. She'd paint on the wax, not so bad. Warm, and sometimes it pulled the hairs a bit. But then she'd take the fabric and press it onto the wax, ever so gently....oh the anticipation killed me. Then it was Rrrrrrrrrrrrripppppppp!!!!
Off came my hair, probably some skin....it was awful. Then it was slightly numb and slightly throbbing all at once. When she got out this stick covered in black wax, I got nervous.
She said it was a special wax that had to dry. wtf??? She pulled on, you know, and applied it to the outside of them. It dried, with the fabric on it, and then she flicked it. I thought I would die. She said you had to flick it to get it loose enough to pull off. Then she yanked. I freaked! It was horrible. It felt like she was ripping my gyna lips right off. I flinched so badly I was almost sitting up. I endured two more of these before telling her to forget the last one and that I could do a bit of self-maintenance.
And so it went on, her ripping out my hair; me attempting not to cry every thirty seconds. We made more awkward small talk, mostly because when my mind was somewhere else I wouldn't anticipate the pulling off part as much, which made it hurt a little less.
Nonetheless, it was agony. Then came the weird part. Then came...the back part. Without going into too much detail, picture that scene in Sex and the City where Carrie gets a wax from that crazy german lady and she takes it all. Carrie, in the scene, is laying there with her leg straight up in the air, holding onto it. That was me. And honestly, that part hurt the least. It was the weirdest and most socially awkward; but not so painful. This was a welcome change considering the black wax that I was sure had taken my vagina with it.
Afterwards, she left so I could dress and as I attempted to sit up; my butt stuck to the paper on the table. Great, leftovers. I cleaned what I could clean off with the wipe, and carefully got dressed. I was numb, but it was already very tender, almost like a sunburn, which made getting dressed difficult.
As I left, I wondered if this was a good idea. She said it would be tender and irritated that day and maybe the next; but that it would be alright after that.
The next day I woke up to a fire on my vagina. The whole area hurt, and I could barely bend a leg. Even if the comforter grazed the area, I was wincing in pain. I, walking much like a cowboy just getting off of his horse after riding for three days straight, approached the bathroom mirror with caution - dreading what I might find.
Turns out, my dread was not unfounded. My whole area looked like ground beef, spread out thinly. It was bright red, with little red bumps, and some obviously inflamed hair follicles turning white. It was awful and so so so painful. I wanted to cry. This was not what I had imagined Adam coming home to. I managed to get through a shower, flinching and, on occasion, taking up a fetal position whenever the water hit the area.
All day, I was reminded of my vanity whenever I squatted down to get something, or leaned against a table (which happen to be just the right height). The actual gyna area, where the dreaded black wax had been, was fine. Weird. But, still you couldn't pay me enough to have let her use that the whole time.
I figured that it was just the next day, and that things would calm down by Wednesday. Not so. Because of the excess wax that I'd had to remove myself in the back area, I ended up with hemorrhoids. This was totally my waxing nightmare. Perhaps, I'm just destined to be au natural.
So I called the salon and explained everything, and the manager was extremely apologetic and insisted that she'd have the more experienced esthetician call me later in the day. Well, she called and they offered me an aveda cream to help with the skin. They also credited my account so that I could use the money I spent on the wax on my next visit for hair or whatever. That made me feel better, that I didn't actually spend money to look like regurgitated spaghetti.
Either way, it's something I would never do again. No matter how much Adam may like it. The way things are, I think he may prefer pre-wax wife to PTSDpubicarea wife.