23Feb2010

So Adam has come and gone again. I didn't blog, because I was frankly too busy and too happy to blog. lol.
As he was to arrive, I went through the gamut of emotions. I felt anxious, nervous, excited, really excited, then really really excited.
Taylor and I went to the airport and we were a touch early, so we waited by the bag claim. I was really anxious, because before he'd left, we'd been sort of out of sorts. I have to be totally honest, here; now that I feel differently; I don't feel guilty for being honest and open about how I felt. It took me awhile to really miss Adam. We'd been fighting a lot, and I was relieved to have a bit of space between us at first. I was angry. It was nice at first, to have alone time, to not be fighting or have our home be it's own war zone. Who knows now what it was all about; but we weren't on the same page. I'm sure a bit of it had to do with him leaving, on his part..the stress, the sadness of leaving his baby. I don't want to reopen old wounds by trying to psychoanalyze our relationship anymore than I already have. (and we know how I obsess, so I have done plently of overanalysis). But, I was angry. I did eventually cool off to a point where I started to appreciate what he went through on a daily basis when he was home. I was getting tired, overwhelmed, overworked, overstressed, confused about how to raise our daughter by myself. I stressed about what he would think of the job I'd been doing while he was gone - with the car, the house, the baby. It's all too easy to judge when you've never walked in the other person's shoes. I thought about how he'd worked from 5 am to 5pm and how I'd been unrelenting on needing help the moment we got home. I thought about how I felt when I came home, how I had to push through to get dinner done and dishes and manage to have patience with Taylor when she made enormous messes. I thought of all this, and I forgave him. I forgave him for his impatience, for his irritability. I finally understood. And I also appreciated him more. He was always a great dad, and has over the years become a pretty good husband. (Yes, I am aware that I am no stepford wife myself.)
So when he came home and we saw him for the first time; the awkwardness was malleable - we knew it was there (or at least I did) and I hoped it would change. Taylor didn't know him, and he'd come with a teddy bear; which warmed her but not quite enough to allow him to hug or carry her. The hurt was visible on his face, and my heart wrenched for him. I felt awful, because I knew she'd react this way; but I knew that he'd hoped she wouldn't. A few days, I told him, and they'd be inseperable.
He seemed tired, exhausted from travel and now his face wore her rejection so painfully. His face was twisted for the next two days as he fought to win her love, and every time, it looked as though he might cry.
If Adam is known for anything though, it's his persistence. He didn't give up, patiently receiving any attention or affection she'd choose to lavish upon him. One of the first intimacies she bestowed upon him was kissing him awake when he'd "fallen asleep". He must've played that game with her for hours in those first few days - just for those few precious kisses.
It was hard to watch all this unfold, and be helpless to change the situation. But I knew what was keeping her from leaping forward. It was apparent that there was some conversation that we neeeded to have, some fighting it out we needed to do. We tend to do that. We fight each other to love each other. Sometimes, we need a healthy dose of drinks, conversation, and tears. Sometimes, that's what it takes for us to come back to each other.
For me, it was the unspoken and untalked about maybechoice that I'd made while he was gone. Having more children; like the actual pregnancy and childbirth process was horrific for me - physically and emotionally. I am truly terrified of ever doing it again and would be perfectly content not to. (on the other hand, it would be great to have bunches of whittle t's...I'm just afraid of not making it through another one) I didn't tell him any of that while he was gone, because it just isn't a conversation you have over skype. I was terrified that it would be a deal breaker for him. Through our drunken tears and (yes, both of us lol) we came to a compromise. We'd do all the research on what it would mean if we did it again; but he'd love me even if I never could bring myself to go through it again. Of course, he wants a son or even another daughter; but he understood my fear. It was as though someone had made me weightless in that moment. My shoulders felt normal again, not weighted down with fear of wife failure. Who knows what else we talked about, but the next day...we were us again.
I think it may have been that day that Taylor fell in love with her daddy. It was the first time that she wanted him and not mommy. I didn't feel rejected; in fact, I felt quite the opposite. We were a family and a whole one again. We had a few days before the parents-in-law joined us (and an extra one due to 1435650 inches of snow in Maryland) and they were glorious. I fell in love with Taylor's daddy again, and we were complete. I wasn't worried about our marriage anymore, and was quickly remembering everything I love about this man of mine.
When the parents arrived, I was asleep because it was so late; but the guest room was ready and they came in with no problems. I must say that I am (and I'm not saying this because I know they read it, lol) really lucky because I have great in laws. Yes, they have different political views, and I know they hate that I don't call more; but they are great. We had a blast with them, and mostly for the first few days - we stayed home. Poor Mom2 got sick and had a bad cold the first few days, so she wasn't really in the mood to be out and about which was fine because we all hung around and got to know each other again. We played card games, which I miserably lost; Adam and his dad installed his new car stereo and hydraulic hood lifter things for his car, they moved the chandelier to hang over the dining room table in it's new location and installed a fan where it used to be.
I even went to Lowe's with Adam and his dad one day while Mom2 stayed home with the punkus maximus. I must say, I did know better when they had a list of things to get for the fan and chandelier move, and they said "We'll meet you in the fan section. We'll just be five minutes." I knew. I knew.
I found a fan, had it picked out and on a cart; and also had a new towelbar for the one that broke in the powder room within fifteen minutes.
We were there for two hours.
I tease, but I am grateful for the amazing job that they did. They also installed the new towel bar, a motion sensing light for the garage, new dimmer switch for the chandelier, and figured out that the light switch that I thought for the last 3.5 years that went to nothing- goes to the outlet that I thought for the last 3.5 years was broken.
Try to contain your laughter.
Adam had a great visit with his dad, and I enjoyed having another woman around; especially one with experience that could reassure me when I wasn't clear on Miss Taylor's behavior. Mom2 had some great ideas, of which I have employed some of them already. For instance, when Taylor refuses socks; I hold up two pairs and let her choose. Then if she still refuses, I remind her that she already chose one. Believe it or not, it mostly works. Even when she still refuses, it's much less assertive and almost like she knows I got her. lol. (her daddy's daughter...logical)
I enjoyed that Adam did have one day of pure Taylor without anyone around while I worked. It helped him to also see what I have been going through while he was gone. I think he thought it was a lot easier. He tended to give me less of a hard time about why certain things weren't done once he had a taste of trying to vacuum while Taylor sitting. He did say that day that they were having too much fun for a nap. Good, I thought, because I knew that was an awesome day for both of them.
He taught her how to jump around like a frog going "ribbit ribbit"; only she says "riddit riddit". He taught her to oohooh ahh ahh like a monkey, and to tittle tittle (tickle tickle). She saw him naked when he was getting into the shower one day, and it was hilarious for me and totally awkward for them. She looked, then looked away, then looked back and stared. Right. At. His. Penis. I bursted into laughter at the perplexed look on her face, and he turned away quickly, thoroughly embarrassed. I explained the usual, daddy's a boy; etc. It had no effect and she kept trying to peek in on his shower. I'm sure she was wondering where his "gyna" was.
I dealt with awkward texts from family members (ehem, dad) in all caps asking about my hemmorhoids and such. LOL
Serves me right for blogging it. Adam and the parents, also wise to the wax situation, all laughed at me about it.
We had a Taylor free day, and she went to Darina's and stayed late while we went to Bodies - The Exhibition and the Melting Pot for dinner. It was tremendous. The next day we all, including the Delmos (who also joined us for the melting pot dinner fresh from buying Delmo a new Chevy truck (and it's super nice)), went to the Woodland Park Zoo; which is a phenominal zoo. Taylor loved it; and still my favorite exhibit is the gorillas.
The parents left, and Adam stayed two more days; we tried to remain cheerful and excited; but his impending departure loomed like Seattle rain clouds in January. This was a truly wonderful visit. I loved every second of him, and am reminded again why we do what we do every day. I know why we suffer through all the mediocre, stressful, lonely days. Because the ones we have together, they make it totally worth the sacrafice. I love my husband and I can't wait until he comes home again.