North Carolina

Wow. July 21. Has it really been that long???? Bad blogger, bad!!! Honestly, it's been a crazy and busy and tumultuous time since Adam has returned home. I'm sure I will delve into the nasty little details, the very small and oh, so big reasons why it was one of the most difficult times of our marriage...but not for now. We've grown past...a good bit of those things, worked them out, fought them out, talked them out, or let some of them ride- for later discussion. (It's an art- Letting things go. One I've yet to master.)
I'm here because, well, Susan asked if I had been lately. I hadn't and I should be here. I am stressed. Writing has always helped. So, I am back. I should be back on a regular basis. Honestly, I love to write. (Insert tantrum over not having orange juice to mix with lemonade. Wow. Having a two year old is...fun! (Insert sarcasm.)(Now insert guilt for saying that.))
Adam is currently in recruiting school and I am here, home with Taylor in Washington, attempting to battle daily life with a two year old, and simultaneously trying to sell/rent our house within the next three months. I would be lying if I said life was simple. It's especially unnerving to me, who plans every single thing to the last detail. I also enjoy being in control. In this current situation, I have neither control or the ability to plan. We don't exactly know where we are going; all we know so far is that we have to be there by May 16. And there, well that could be anywhere in the eastern 2/3 of North Carolina that there is a US Army recruiting station. Inside, and on occasion on the outside, I am screaming! I mean, full on tantrum growling screaming. Then, a few tears. Here is my problem. We owe more on our house than it's worth. A lot more. At least, a lot more than we have in savings. And we have to choose to short sale or rent and pay the difference each month of rent to HOA/property management fees.
In my whole life, I have struggled to make my own decisions. I have prided myself on being independent, on knowing what to do, on making the right decisions. For some reason, I have let the impending possible, not even certain, but possible consequences weigh so heavily on me that I can't even trust myself to make the right decision.
Well, I quit. I quit being frustrated, and stressed out, and worried. I will do what I can to make things happen, and that is all I can do. But, I can't sit and do nothing. If no one is looking at the house, then I have to actively pursue a renter. And I need to let go of the loyalty I feel toward my realtor, and concentrate on what is best for my family. I think she is great, and I think she will do her best to sell our house and I think she understands our needs; but I know we have extraordinary circumstances and time constraints and we can't place all of our eggs in her house selling basket.
I think that, this weekend, I have hit rock bottom in my wallowing and self-pity and I am done. I am better than sitting around, obsessively worrying and isolating myself from my friends. Susan said to me, "Taylor needs you to be strong. Adam needs you to be strong." For some reason, it resonated. I've been feeling awfully sad and saying to myself, "What about me? Who takes care of me?" and expecting the decision to be made for me and the magic real estate fairy to come and take away my problems. The bottom line is that they do need me, and it's not about what I need. I am alright. I am strong enough to do this.
Suddenly, I am saying to myself, where the fuck have you been? Who is this blubbering, energy-less mess you've been perpetrating as the usually strong, fierce woman we know and love???
Why did I have to hear from someone else that I was strong? Why did I doubt it? Why was I so scared? I feel as though, I need a slap. I feel as though, Susan gently delivered it. She said, "stand up, and be yourself." Well, thank you Susan.
You are right, and I will! I will do my best to be a strong mother and wife for my family, because they need me to be. They need me to not fall apart, to not give up because this is hard. And I will not give up. I will see this through to the end. And hopefully, at the end of this frustrating process, there is an idyllic renter. Or buyer. Or, honestly, someone who pays their rent on time; or who buys our house on time.