Wednesday, July 21, 2010

21July2010

What inspires you? It's probably not some one thing. At least for me, it's quite fluid. Sometimes, I am inspired by things around me. Other times, by the need for release of emotions. And lastly, by unhappiness. I truly believe, or at least I always preach, that if you aren't happy with your life, you have to change it. But I can't help but feel, for the better part of my life, that I am my own worst enemy to happiness. I can't help but feeling, as I look around, that I am better than my life. I don't mean my relationships, or my family. I mean my personal success. I mean that I am not living upto my potential. I've wanted to write for as long as I can remember. I've always written, except in times of....we'll say recreational interferement. (i.e. my early 20s)
I think about my job, as a bartender. I love what I do; but I feel sometimes that when people are there that they definitely see just that part of me. I feel looked down upon. I have a great time at work. I make over $30 an hour to get people drunk, feed them, talk to them and generally have a good time. But, something always nags at me.
"Something is not right with me...." (Cold War Kids)
There is more underneath, and I feel like if I don't pursue what I truly feel; that I will be miserable. I will make everyone around me miserable with my own self-dissatisfaction. So what stops me?
Why don't I write? Why don't I try to be published?
I think it comes down to a very basic fear of failure and inferiority complex.
But, damnit. I'm almost thirty. Get over it already! Perhaps, if I keep telling myself that, it will sink in. I am always torn between embracing my inner and true weirdness and on the flip side worrying about what other people think. Usually, the latter wins. That, so far, has left me truly unhappy.
I don't live a bad life, in fact, there's really not much that most people would be unhappy about.
But. I. Am. Unhappy. So, that must mean that I am not most people.

And it's never too late to be me. In fact, I'd better try before I find myself counting wrinkles and pills and wondering when it became too late.

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