Friday, January 3, 2014

The hardest part

For me, the hardest part of something usually involves being honest and true to myself and sticking to it; despite the feelings of others. I try to spare everyone hurt; and then end up hurt myself. When it comes down to it; I haven't spent enough time considering exactly what I want without the input of others, or without considering their feelings. Strangely enough, however, I always feel inherently selfish and self-serving; sometimes even opportunistic; which of course brings on feelings of guilt. I'm not sure what kind of crazy war is waging in my head; but I've come to realize that all the battles I've been fighting with everyone else are really just projections of my inner mental struggle to bring peace to myself. I hate being alone. I've been told that isn't healthy. For the longest time, I equally believed and denied this theory. Very recently, though, I've come to realize that it is exactly what is troubling me so much. Even when I am alone, there are always cocktails to distract and sometimes even amplify to the point where I am able to write off my feelings as drunken overreactions. That's right, I said when I'm alone there are always cocktails. Perhaps, there is something to that statement also. I'm also told that drinking alone isn't healthy, either. Like being alone, drinking alone generated the same feelings and thoughts. So now, I will possibly acknowledge that I may not be able to properly emotionally handle things properly because I've always just had a drink.
Yes, this part is particularly terrifying. A life without drinks? I feel like it's something that is a part of my personal culture? Is that even a thing, a personal culture? It's been such a big part of my life for so long; but there are so many more things I want to do. For now, I will summon some strength and quit and do things I want to do. It's also a bit scary to admit that a life without alcohol is actually something so significant. I feel like that right there signifies a bit of a dependence and unhealthy coping strategies.
I'm in this place, where I am so much more confident that I will be personally successful and happy than I have ever been, as though I have more trust in myself than I ever have; but something in my gut tells me that the best course of action is simply lack of action. Time. Patience. Simplification. The idea about what to do seems to really get a good hold of being able to do the simple things in life, a retreat inside myself and my own personal life without other influences. Routine everyday tasks like paying bills, going to the dentist, washing my face at night; and doing them consistently have always been challenging for some reason.
It's like this video that I saw, of a graduation speech, where David Foster Wallace speaks about the mundane drudgery and finding meaning in even the most frustrating aspects of it.
I don't want to pretend that I will suddenly become a different person. I will still hate the dentist, despite sobriety and introspection. Perhaps, though, this quiet period will help me to know and understand what I really and truly want and through that understanding, I can set a plan in motion to achieve those things. I've started a list, a sort of mental before picture of what I'd like to accomplish this year. I actually wrote it down. I will look at it, cross things off; add things to it. I will look at it every day, and focus on those things; instead of just getting through the day. Perhaps, when each day has a bigger purpose, I will be able to find a little meaning in the frustrating monotony, a little understanding of who I am and what I want to accomplish, a little peace.

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